The strangest things are said under the pressure of closing the sale.
“He’s not very good at articulacy”
“I guess we’ll just have to have the conclusion at the end then”
“Let’s arrange to meet at a convenial time”
“Don’t fax the original.. you may need that – send a photocopy”
“Have I rung YOUR number?”
“We must use everything at our disposable”
“So you see.. it’s more people than watch magazines… sorry, read the television”
“I’ve had numerable clients who have been happy with campaigns like this one”
“Over four weeks, the campaign will have a conglomerative effect”
“The problem is very much a double-edged cleft”
“We now use a sophisticated research mythology”
“The audience per capita head now stands at 621,000”
“As you can see on the audience chart, we’re a lot higher up the pie”
“I wish I could look into my golden ball and tell you it was going to work”
“It’s a misnomer to say more people listen at the end of the week”
“So you can see, we’re all men to all seasons”
“Can you just go and ask Ian for some ballpoint figures?”
“If you stopped ten people in the street and asked them if they’d heard of Keith Pattinson, nine and a half of them would say yes.”
“Course you did, man. You wrote it down verbally”
“Is Dave in? (no.) Is he out?”
“They’re all coming in in their full entirety”
“That should throw a spanner amongst the pigeons”
“Can we use the Northumbria Police name, as it would give the ad an immediate stamp of
credulity?”
“We mustn’t forget the vagrancies of the market”
“He’s at his desk, but he’s not there”
“I think we may be in danger of milking the golden goose.”
“They’re just dipping their tongue in the water”
“I can see right up your niche”
“We need to go over everything with a fine toothbrush.”
“Not wishing to shout my own trumpet…”
“Tom Peters has been signing copies of his autograph”
“Before we move on, we’re going to need the C.O.I. and the Central Office of Information
to approve it.”
“1994 has seen the introduction of a more strategic strategy”
“Shaw Garden Centre is like a big octopus with tentacles everywhere, and the octopus
keeps getting bigger, but the tentacles don’t.”
“MDL make doors in a cacophony of colours”
“We never compare radio and press, but a radio commercial is like a front page advert”
“Radio works twenty-four hours a day, 352 days a year”
“I could listen to that young man all day – he’s a real knowledge of information”
“For instance, off the top of my hat”
“They’re stealing our plunder”
“Is there a woman FVO in this afternoon?”
“Young males are vastly over-rated in the casualty stakes”
“Looks like I’ve hit the nail on the jackpot.”
“I’ve just written a few copious notes”
“If you get too clever, the message goes right over their shoulders”
(to a funeral director) “Don’t worry about the costs – nothing’s set in tablets of stone yet”
“You need to corporate the music with the selling message”
“The tonal calibration’s all wrong”
“From the point of view of your perspective”
“There are more cowboys than Indians in this place”
“We could all do with a bit of self-analysation”
“Of course, we do this quarterly every three months”
“We have the highest listenership per share of capita in the country”
“Could we perhaps do some voice pox?”
“Our comm. prod. department wrote the scripts and the words.”
“I’m really getting on my bandwagon this afternoon”
“They went off in a tangent”
“Let’s go back to the drawing table”
“If you got a hundred people together in this room, you could never talk to more than
a hundred people”
“I’ve had a virulent virus”
“You can come in and get bespoked designs and colours”
“In Dallas, they all did the JFK route – to me it was a bit goalish”
“Yes, there’s not one area where we don’t underperform”
“I had to do it manually by hand”
“It’s not like television – we can’t just add another page”
“Do you have the power to make that decision on your own solusly?”
“They’re a Scottish company – based in Scotland”
“They never know if they’ve heard it audiotorially”
“It’s like an Aladdin’s cabinet in here”
“Ooops.. that was a bit of a fraudulent slip”
“You know, maybe we should just do that K.I.S.S. thing – Keep it Stupid, Simple”.
“It has a double-barrelled meaning”
“I started off as a telly ad.”
“They’re going to have the flag all around the peripheral”
“She hasn’t got a very good ease of explaining things”
“We should use the special offer as a lost leader”
“If that happens, local rates will go up through the window”
“She could sell snow to the Arabs”
“That will really increase your standoutability”
“How long will it take to get to Southport from here? (“about half an hour”)
– “How long will it take to get back?”
“Anybody tell me who’s on the back of a twenty pound note?”
– “Washington!”
“We’re just a small fish in a big cog.”
“Some people have similarized Sun City to Virgin, actually”
“But it’s out of kilt with what we’re trying to do…”
“We’ll want some stand-outness”
“Alcazar have just gone bust. Hugh and Peter are going to open separately..
– What, together?
– No, separately..”
“This is really a spring-box for other things”
“You two would die for GNR, which is exactly what we want you to do..”
“It stuck out like a sore balloon”
“Kids get in free for a pound”
“He’s paying the same amount…only less.”
(exec on hearing that a ‘Blues’ version of her client’s jingle had been recorded);
– “Couldn’t we do a ‘Reds’ version as well?…after all, he does sell paint”
“Radio City’s first broadcast wasn’t 5.58 – it was two minutes to six..”
“We’re going to have to get some structure to these sales meetings – everybody
keeps going off on a tandem”
“Have you got the sound effect of a mongoose in flight?”
“The frequency should help reverbitate the success of the campaign..”
“You’re the kind of guy who goes to the bank for fifty quid and asks for it in eights”
“Yes, you find that with blind people when their sight goes, another one of their senses
– like their vision – improves to compensate”
“Jack is another name for Bobby”
“I’ve got two words to say to you – Lancaster University Management School”
“If that isn’t the ket calling the pottle black”
(after being told that Sherlock Holmes couldn’t be used in a radio ad because of copyright)
– “Well, couldn’t you just spell it H-O-M-E-S?”
“You cease to amaze me sometimes”
“Starting at 8.30 p.m., the quiz starts at 8.30 p.m.”
“He was hanging on for grim death”
“Hard singers are good to find”
“People round here just take me for the piss.”
“Everybody was buying us free drinks!”
“That film with Eddy Murphy – Beverly Hops Kill”
“I’ll see that when I believe it.”
“When Julian found out, he hit the wall…”
“At the end of the day, I’ve only got two pairs of hands…”
“Are you going to the Manchester derby?”
– “Who are they playing?”
“Don’t keep playing the same thing over and over again – it’s so repetitive.”
“Is he a born-again Christmas?”
“I don’t think that’s the right pronunciation”
“The fact they don’t know what ‘Hallmark’ is, is here by there”
“That makes my blood curl”
“They look at you as if to say, ‘I don’t want to speak to the monkin grinder”
“Spring only starts when summertime ends”
“The ripping sound of crushing bones”
“I feel like I’m in a goldfish”
“He looked at me as if I’d jumped off a foreign planet”
“You dug yourself into a battering ram”
“This man works from home, you know… that’s no hard feat”
“Somebody has turned the temperature off..”
“All the hotels I’ve called are bully fooked”
“My head was bleeding with blood”
“It’s no skin off my toes..”
“What size feet do you take?”
“But that’s philosophically logic”
“Did you sort your head-rest out for the wedding?”
“I heard it at 5.30 and at half past”
“Would you like a cup of tea, Matt?”
-“I’d love a cup of tea, Mike”
-“Tea or coffee?”
“It’s me mum’s birthday and she’d love a denomination on the radio”
“At this stage, I’m just fishing the ground out”
“I haven’t got my glasses on, so I can’t hear you”
(Agency script: “FX: A herd of man-eating cannibals”)
“He doesn’t have a problem liquidising cars”
“Sometimes, presenters can get witch-hunted away by other stations”
“He’s got this brilliant golf stimulator”
“You may wish to use Ingrid Bergman, who presents our ‘Hits not Homework’ show”
“But don’t worry, Maurice… because it’s not goodbye – it’s adieu”.
“It stuck out like a sore balloon”.
“We’re a big fish in a smallish sea.”
“The cart wags the horse over there.”
“That’s another hammer in the coffin”.
“It’s exactly the same price as last year, except for the increase.”
“The postcode is NE11, AON… that’s A for Orange.”
“Look – I don’t want to eat the hand that bites me…”
“There’s no point in talking to him – we’ll be much better off speaking directly to the
horse’s mouth”.
“There are two objectives here….b,….”
” You’ve heard this from his own ears…”
” Oh that old nutshell.”
“And then on Tuesday morning, you can have the day off..”
“I need pre-payment up-front.”
“Give me something sharp and blunt to throw at him.”
“Yes, the housing market is very cut and throat..”
“I think we’ll have to do that for him just as a way of extending the fig leaf…”
“We don’t want to highlight C2DEs as the problem democrats..”
“My Dad’s on a fitness freak at the moment”
“I won’t bill it until I get a signed signature”
“I was at my funeral last year”
“Naturally, I inclined the offer!”
“Tuesday the eighteenth of November…..what day is that?”
“Is textbook all one word?
– Only if you use it as textbook.”
“I’ll be around all day, except in the afternoon”
“This will really set the seeds in motion…”
“Is she not of Indian Caucasian?”
“Bolton – that’s a palindrome isn’t it?”
“You’ve hit the nail on the hedge there!”
“It’s like dipping your toe in lots of different things.”
“I’d like to raise some light on the issue”.
“There’s a lot of thoughts of schools on this…”
“So, are they top or bottom end of the market?
– I’d say they’re more middle end.”
“Can I just throw my cap into the hat?”
“All the dishes were really fishy – like venison and duck…”
“It’s the golf course near Washington… you know, the green one…”
“My husband went camping on an island surrounded by water”
“I’ve just had a very anonymous phone-call”
“The words he used were ‘no’ “
“God… you two have eagle ears..!”
“It’s universal…indeed, it’s international”
“We should be recording it about half-thirty”
“Oh for crying out’s sake!”
“They’re all coagulating over there by the bar”.
“I’ve just got to go and pamper my nose”
“Can you make a meeting with me this morning? – the client’s biting at the chomp”
“It’s like showing a red face to a bull”
“They’ve got staff who can help you from start to beginning”
“It’s only a twenty, so I should be able to rattle it off in ten seconds”
“Come on, do your best… think of it as another £165 in the Swanee”
“My brain’s not commuting with my mouth”
“I’ve treated myself to a new suit – it’s a dark black one”
“You’ve got a stride in your step this morning”
“My brain’s off its head”
“For someone who’s funny, he’s not very funny”
“I can only make a provincial arrangement”
“Neil… you know about football… you’ve got your ear to the pulse…”
“Can you E-mail a hard copy over?”
“My mother was making Sunday Dinner on Sunday”.
“Oh God – I thought that was a chair – it’s not… it’s a cup…”
“How much is a piece of string?”
“I feel a bit loathsome to mention it, but…”
“No smoking policies have been implicated in most businesses these days…”
“If you use TFM AND GNR, you hit them with a double whoopee”.
“The client needs some clarification about twenty, thirty and forty second ads;
e.g. how long they are…”
“I’m sure they’re looking at it through a fine tooth comb”
“I was gang-banged into it”
“Did they stay married after they got divorced?”
“How much is a 42p stamp?”
“I can’t self motivate myself today”
“She knows she’s dealing with a soft cookie”
“My fiancée couldn’t be here – we’ve had a grievance…you know – someone’s died”
“It would be great to have Metro & Magic muriels under the fly-overs”
“Where did you go for your holiday?
– Rome & Florence
– Did you go to Tuscany as well?”
“He wants customers to feel secure in their security”
“Being lewd into it”
“that’ll take the fire out of their sails”
“pretend you’re a ship…say the Titanic…you’ve got to smash through the glacier”
“you could get hit by a GBH if you’re on a scooter”
“we’re trying to put the steps into action”
“I’ve never heard the magazine before”
“I want to have a second bite of the apple”
“He’s got 3 rubbish bins and he missed both of them”
“That should strike a note”
“They’ve got a post office….where you can post things”
(Script) “SFX: Sunshine”
“It’s subliminal… you can’t switch your ears on.”
“At the end of the day, money is money and vice versa.”
“It’s extremely difficult to make predictions, especially about the future.”
“I’m at that eye of the needle stage”
“That’s one more arrow to our bow”
“People get stupider when you’re out in the woolly sticks.”
“It really is a double sworded edge issue.”
“Can you stick the 30 second ad on a tape, so I can see how long it is.”
“So tell me, what exactly ARE hard-wood windows made of?”
“Pauline’s not getting my sausage!”
“This is a real lick in the teeth on all accounts”
“Graham doesn’t really know what he’s doing, he’s a bit udderless”
“What you need is a really good framework to hang your cherries on”
“ Nice view”
To a client specialising in adult toys “Do you do DVD’s?”
“Both options will work but if I was you I’d definitely go for the more expensive on”
MC: “I’ll be on holiday next week, I’ll be lying there in my speedos…”
Client: “Eurgh! Hashtag VOM!”